My daughter has been experiencing fertility challenges for many years now and is incredibly frustrated. She has begun to question why when she wants children so bad that God is not providing, yet there are many unwanted pregnancies and children and horror stories of abused children. How can I help her keep her hope and faith and trust in God during this time and comfort her with this “pivotal circumstance” and provide her reassure her to “not let go” of her relationship with God or allow distance to creep in?
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I’m really sorry that your daughter is having such a difficult time with getting pregnant. I would imagine that has to be incredibly frustrating for her, and for you - because you love her and it is hard to see her struggle with the unfulfilled longing for a child of her own. In reading your comments, I can totally relate with her train of thought - it doesn’t make sense why some people (who would make incredible parents) cannot have children of their own, yet there are so many unwanted pregnancies and children who are neglected or abused. If I were in her situation, I have no doubt it would affect my relationship with God…it’s definitely something that I would want an explanation or reason as to why. I guess to me, the encouraging thing is that your daughter isn’t pretending she’s doing better than she is with the whole infertility issue, and she’s at least continuing to engage with God even though she’s frustrated, angry, confused, or any number of other emotions. She’s wrestling with God right now - but at least she’s still turning to Him. To me, that’s encouraging. But even if distance creeps into the relationship or she “let’s go”, take comfort in knowing that God never “let’s go” of us, nor is He hindered by any amount of distance on our part. In love and compassion, He will use these seasons of pain and struggle to invite us into a deeper relationship with Him. For you, I would encourage you to remain a “safe place” for her to share where she’s at. God will certainly use you to provide comfort, love, and encouragement to her. Pray for wisdom to know how to love her in her pain and frustration, and know that God understands and knows what He’s doing in your daughter’s life. You can trust Him. I really am sorry that she’s hurting though.
Sherri, Thanks for sharing your comment. When someone close to us is enduring their own “pivotal circumstance”, it’s tough to know what to say. Especially with things like infertility, we want to be optimistic to those we love and encourage them by saying, “I know it’s going to happen for you. Just have faith.” Often those hurting just need to know that we hurt with them and that we are there for them. It’s obvious that is your heart for your daughter! My wife and I dealt with infertility for 3 & 1/2 years and it was the most faith-stretching “pivotal circumstance” of our lives. I found myself going back to a phrase that I heard in a sermon once that when God is silent, he is not still. On the tough days, we found ourselves choosing to trust God and his plan for our lives and some days it was a difficult choice to choose to trust him. It was encouraging for us to see that God chose to include several instances of infertility in scripture - Abraham & Sarah, Isaac & Rebekah, Hannah (mother of Samuel) and Elizabeth & Zechariah (parents of John the Baptist.) Aside from scripture, one book that I read that specifically spoke to me was a book called Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb. Maybe it would speak to you as well? In any case, I’m really sorry for what your daughter and your family are going through. My prayer is that God would make his presence known to you all through this pivotal circumstance.
Sherri,
I am almost 37 years old and currently struggling with infertility, too. My husband and I are newlyweds – this is both our first marriage, and neither of us have kids. We are dealing with a horrible, shattering diagnosis of ‘unexplained recurrent miscarriage’ which is beyond heartbreaking, and there is a definite ‘loss of innocence’. We take a new step everyday, trying all of the doctor’s routes and testing (more testing than I knew was humanly possible!). So, I think it is important for your daughter to take action and I would encourage your daughter to take steps forward in the “human realm”. For instance, my husband and I are trying IVF (even though this might not prevent another miscarriage) and we hope that this might make the difference, and that we won’t miscarry again. But, we are also taking the steps to look into adoption. Your daughter needs to know that she CAN become a mother, but it might not look like what she wants…meaning, maybe it is adopting a foster child, or just adopting a newborn. I know that is not ‘fun’ news to hear, but she cannot wallow in her sadness and pain just because she is not getting ‘her way’. She must move forward and not wallow in state of her ‘empty arms’. Trust me - I know first hand. Honestly, I still get really jealous and bitter about couples who have babies. I even get bitter and angry about any women who might have one child, but can’t get pregnant with a second child. I think to myself, “Ha! Well AT LEAST you have one baby - I have NOTHING”. How do I combat this negativity? I just realize that this is Satan trying to invade my peace - Satan in my thoughts and in my head. Ask your daughter to say a prayer acknowledge the TRUTH of this bitterness and jealousy – even if it takes 3 seconds in her mind - when she gets bitter and jealous, and to at least recognize that Satan is just trying to push her trust away from God.
Lastly, these are some quotes from Scripture (and one from the 1800s preacher and author Oswald Chambers) that have been helping me:
Psalms 27:13-1
“I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord. Be strong, take heart. And wait on the Lord.”
Psalm 113
1 Praise the LORD.
Praise, O servants of the LORD,
praise the name of the LORD.
2 Let the name of the LORD be praised,
both now and forevermore.
3 From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets,
the name of the LORD is to be praised.
4 The LORD is exalted over all the nations,
his glory above the heavens.
5 Who is like the LORD our God,
the One who sits enthroned on high,
6 who stoops down to look
on the heavens and the earth?
7 He raises the poor from the dust
and lifts the needy from the ash heap;
8 he seats them with princes,
with the princes of their people.
9 He settles the barren woman in her home
as a happy mother of children.
Praise the LORD.
Psalm 57:8
You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.
Isaiah 43:2
When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.
Psalm 143:8
Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting you.
Show me where to walk, for I give myself to you.
“We are not here to prove God answers prayer.
We are here to be living monuments of God’s grace.”
- Oswald Chambers in My Utmost for His Highest
Dear Sherri,
I was diagnosed with cervical cancer after 6 motnhs of happy marriage. We were both devastated. I had a couple of small surgeries to try to save the uterus and let me try to get pregnant. We tried artificial insemination and the doctor gave us only 10% possible chance and maybe less considering my weak immune system and depression. The day after the procedure and went on my knees and told God to lift me and take me in his arms, I offered to stop crying and wishing for my own needs and to focus on understanding His PLAN for me and that I will take and accept whatever the outcome was with a happy and content heart. 4 days later I had nausea, and I knew, right there, I knew it had worked and I was pregnant. My doctor told me no one had felt anything so soon into a pregnancy, he did not believe me, I had to wait a month for testing and confirmation but I knew my baby was coming. I was able not only to have one but 2 precious boys and best of all, my uterus was saved, after both of the pregnancies the results were always negative so I did not need the hysterectomy. I just tell you to advise your daughter to free her spirit from sadness and frustration, and start enjoying everything around her and listen to HIM, GOD will tell her when the moment will be right, or maybe He will show her that she has a different mission and she will not be sad any more.
God bless, and good luck, MARIA
First, I’m very sorry to hear of your circumstance and will add you to my prayer list.
However, I wanted to share with you something I KNOW was “God Given” advice.
One of the ABSOLUTE BEST pieces of Christian advice THAT I HAVE EVER been given is to read:
“The Upside of Adversity” by Os Hillman.
http://tinyurl.com/6oo2v7
(take a look at the Contents of the Book—that link above rolls over to Amazon.com–I’m not sure if North Point sells the book).
I’ve not finished it yet (I’m currently reading the Chapter on “The Success Test”)–about 2/3 way through it.
However, the book is about why we face struggles–in a nutshell, it’s because God is preparing you for SOMETHING GREAT!
I URGE you to PLEASE buy this book.(tell her to). Maybe it won’t speak to you like it has spoken to me—however my “Pivotal Circumstance” just happened in my life when my best friend of 23 years passed away unexpectedly.
Just from reading this book, for the first time IN MY LIFE—my Faith is STRONGER THAN EVER. It is Unbelievable how this has opened my eyes to my own personal suffering–(for the last 7 years of unemployment/financial stress/etc).–After reading this book, I’M NOW POSITIVE, “all this” is happening because God has “Plans” for me.
(if nothing else, please do me the “favor”–and look at the “Contents”–to see if it speaks to you to pick up this book).
NOTHING in my life so “touched me” and “arrived” at one of the darkest, loneliest, “what if”/”why me”–moments in my life as this book did.
Just trust me when I say this (as dark as things feel now)–I FEEL ABSOLUTELY CONFIDENT in saying that “one day”—you’ll be able to look at this time and understand “WHY”.
Love,
Robert
Robert,
Thanks for recommending that book, I read the excerpt and it really spoke to me.
God has used difficult times to grow my faith. I didn’t like it at the time. I’d rather take a class.
But the lessons I learned were powerful ones, because they weren’t theory. I didn’t read about them in a book, I lived through them.
Jeff
Hi Jeff,
Yep, I agree. The Lessons learned are Powerful One’s
I’ll give you a perfect example.
My entire life, I’ve considered my brother to be a God fearing, obedient Christian. He literally reads the Bible daily before going to work.
Me–I’ve been what Andy uses as an example–the Christian that fell away during college and never quite got back into the church. Since 2000 I’ve drifted in and out of North Point (tried other churches–even going to the Buddhist class lessons)–and nothing “stuck”.
Then my PIVOTAL moment struck when (all these events have happened to me since May 2008).
My best friend passed away unexpectedly.
Then my home was burglarized.
Then my brother told me of his marital problems and “divorce” being discussed–despite the fact that he and she are Devout Christians–ironically Andy married them–when Andy was at his Dad’s church and did weddings back then..
During this exact same time, my company started going out of business–EVERYONE–expect for me was let go (literally down to 2 people).
Then another friend of mine (a Christian Mentor)–came to me to tell me he and his wife were facing marital difficulties.
I reached out to a Christian Mentor and said “What do I do”–where do I start? He suggested reading the book of Job.
Now, I have a “Study Bible”–and despite having a “Study Bible”–I know the “Academic Lesson” we’re supposed to learn from Job.
(bad things happen to even the most devout/obedient Christians). However, I got REALLY SCARED–becuause I could feel my heart start to harden and the LAST thing I wanted in my life was a hard heart.
However, the Book of Job–is what I would call “Graduate Level Scripture”—for it to REALLY make sense.
So I reached out to ANOTHER Christian Mentor that offered this book.
“The Upside of Adversity” by Os Hillman.
http://tinyurl.com/6oo2v7
(the Irony was that my best friend who died, his name was Joseph and was also Jewish)
The Book is about the Joseph of the Old Testament.
That was enough to open my heart to say “This HAD to be God given Advice”
Now, what’s important about the book is that it provides a “road map” (Using Christian/Biblical Teachings) to help you put into perspective the trials we face in life and how we take those and make those as LESSONS–as PART OF GOD’s PLAN for our life.
And what’s ironic, is that the Old Testament story of Joseph is a MUCH EASIER story for someone to digest—than the Book of Job.
(both over came tremendous struggles–but Joseph’s test were a bit more “relate able” to me..*grin*). Because Job, he get’s to write his Masters Thesis on Faith. *grin*.
I don’t get commission from sales of the book and I don’t know Os Hillman from Adam (but do hope to get to shake his hand and thank him one day).
However, I DO KNOW–that MANY TIMES—MANY TIMES—-I’ve stumbled in my faith because I’ve not been able to PUT INTO PRACTICE the teaching GOD HAS GIVEN ME—because I did not have a road map.
YES–THE BIBLE IS THE INDISPUTABLE ROAD MAP—however, think of “The Upside to Adversity” as Cliff Notes/Spark Notes—
Andy said in his sermon the other day–that it’s his WISH–that his sermon would cause people to go home and open up the Bible and try to look for ways he might be wrong (*grin*).
I feel confident in saying that if/when you read “The Upside to Adversity”–you’ll want to pick up a Bible and “learn a bit more”.
I’ll close with this–My entire life—God has been POUNDING ME on the head to listen to his message. When I TRIED MY BEST–I almost stumbled–when I reached out to a Christian Mentor–I expected to get a Bible lesson on The Book of Job—instead I got a “road map” in this book and was shown how to open my heart and use Adversity to build my faith–SO THAT–now my heart is open, I’ve joined a Bible Study–and actually reading the Bible now.
Who knew it would take reading the “cliff notes” version first.
P.S.
Actually, if I could ask a favor and maybe the power of Group prayer will help open my brother’s eyes.
The Christian Mentor I reached out to…just so happens to be a Christian Mentor to my brother during his current struggles.
What’s Ironic is that this Mentor also told my brother to pick up this book. (as of yesterday, my brother has yet picked it up–despite the fact that I even sent him the Amazon.com url). Geesh, talk about bring a horse to water…*Grin*.
Now, here’s what’s ironic—Part of the issue my brother is facing in his marriage is that he has put his job/work–above his relationship with his Wife and Family. (to which I think my brother would agree).
HOWEVER, my brother is trying to “fix that” by trying to fix himself. I wish I could be in front of him and hit him with one of those plastic hammers that squeaks—because I feel like telling him DING DONG!
Now is NOT the time to WORK ON YOURSELF–NOW IS THE TIME TO WORK ON YOUR MARRIAGE. HELLO! Your wife just told you that for the last 20+ years she’s felt 2nd best…so you feel that putting yourself into Christian counseling–to fix YOUR ISSUES—is gonna bring her closer to you?!?!
What happened to putting HER FIRST?!?!
I never told him this because he’s always seen me struggle with faith and for him it’s “come easy” (at least outwardly to me).
So, anyway–that was the “lesson” I felt like I needed to get across to him, but I don’t know how to tactfully, patiently do so (because it seems so OBVIOUS to me–yet he does not see it).
Then, when reading The Upside to Adversity, I came to Chapter 11–”Adversity Resulting from Strongholds”
There’s a “Sub Chapter”–called “Strongholds and Generational Influence”—some dealing with strong holds related to our parents (this case Dad).
My brother’s admitted strong hold is his desire to gain approval from our Dad–through hard work on earth.
***see where I’m going?
What’s REALLY IRONIC–is that even before I got to this chapter–I felt like God told me to send him a message–and I wrote to him.
I told him, I know how he’s hurting, he’s hurting BAD right now–but to “fix” it—he’s got to put HIS ISSUES on the back burner and put HER FIRST in his LIFE.
He’s got to find a way to communicate to her that (besides God)–she’s THE MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP IN HIS LIFE.
For every single day that goes by and for every single day he does not humble himself before his wife and ask her forgives for the past/let the past be the past and from here on out She’s the most important (earthly) thing to him—that the cars, the house, the 4=wheelers–NONE OF IT MATTERS without HER IN HIS LIFE.
He’s gonna lose out. Everyday her heart will get a little bit harder and “one day” it will be all too late.
By the way, please tell me if I’m wrong. Because I’m on a new faith walk. But the Message I received from this book:
Let go of Spiritual Strongholds and the message I learned in Bible Study the other Day–Genesis 2 & 3—God created Eve because Adam needed a Partner and Man can’t do it alone without Eve…*grin* (correct me if I’m wrong, because that’s the message I got from Bible Study).
My brother is “wasting time”—working on his OWN ISSUES–when he should be working on issues with her (BY THE WAY–I KNOW that to have a SUCCESSFUL Marriage–he’s got to address “his issues”–because those issues got him to where he is today—however, I just feel like God is telling me—FOR NOW—he’s GOT to LET IT GO–PUT IT ASIDE–and PUT HER FIRST.
Please, I want to hear it—if I’m wrong, please tell me. However, I know I can’t “TELL” my brother this–because he knows I’m a weak Christian and I think any advice I give him will fall on deaf ears…so I’m hoping the power of Group Prayer will cause him to open his eyes.
Thanks.